Why It’s Important for Parents to Say “No”

Many parents today want to offer their children a different childhood than the one they had. Instead of "Because I said so!" and traditional, discipline-heavy parenting, parents want to build an emotional connection. For some parents, that means avoiding conflict altogether and rarely, if ever, saying "no" to their kids.

However, it's not only ok to say no, it's important to say no. Psychologist Dr. Nina Kaiser has a lot of expertise in this area and works with children regularly. I spoke with Dr. Kaiser to learn more about how the word "no" can help you raise resilient, emotionally intelligent kids. Plus, you can do it in a way that is respectful, acknowledges your child's feelings, and doesn't require discipline-heavy parenting.

Why It’s Ok to Say No

Visit the teachers' Reddit page and you'll see firsthand accounts of the horrors that can happen when parents don't say no to their children. One teacher chimed in, "I've taught preschool for years...the last few years, a huge number of children are coming to me having never had consistent boundaries. It makes for feral, insecure, anxious children with no resilience."

Aside from teachers' stories from classrooms, scientists agree that saying no is important. Recently, researchers have taken a closer look at parents who practice gentle parenting techniques. While some who practice gentle parenting say no and hold boundaries, others align better with permissive parenting.

Professor of developmental psychology at Rollins College, Dr. Alice Davidson, told The Globe and Mail, "Many children of gentle parents are not learning boundaries, nor natural consequences in the midst of really challenging circumstances. Boundaries are so important."

Dr. Kaiser explains further, "If kids rarely hear 'no' from parents and caregivers, they don't get the chance to learn how to cope [with hearing no]. They're also less likely to comply with 'no's they may hear at times that are really essential (like when their safety is at risk!). Or they may have a harder time complying with adults, such as teachers, who set limits or hold boundaries with them in other contexts."

Why are boundaries so important?

Respecting Limits and Others

Teaching your child to respect boundaries helps them build emotional awareness. For example, many little ones go through a stage of hitting others. Setting rules about hitting helps your child learn to respect others and understand their feelings.

Children also need boundaries to feel safe and secure. Your child tests the rules because they want to understand how the world works around them. As a parent, it's your job to gently hold rules like being quiet in the library or limiting screen time. Learning to respect rules and limits as a toddler will help your child navigate the world successfully as they grow.

Fostering Resilience

When children are young, as parents, we can protect them from almost all life's disappointments. I remember my heart breaking when my firstborn would cry for candy. I could barely stand the idea of him feeling disappointed. When he was a young toddler, I let him get away with more than I'd like to admit.

Despite my training as a Montessori teacher, the instinct to do everything I could to make my toddler happy by buying him candy was strong. Yet, I quickly realized that buying him all the candy he wanted wasn't sustainable. It wasn't good for him or our family finances. So, I created some new rules and learned to find my rhythm as a new mom.

The truth is that life is full of disappointments. Eventually, children will experience these disappointments, and they'll need coping skills.

Dr. Kaiser says, "Kids build skills around the things they have the opportunity to practice!" That includes occasionally hearing "no." She went on to explain, "When we say no to our kids, we give them the experience of learning to tolerate disappointment and frustration in a way that makes these experiences feel more normative and less like a big deal." In other words, it helps them build resilience in the face of life's difficulties. 

When Do Babies Learn "No"

When do kids understand no and what it means? This actually happens pretty early. Your child will start to understand the word "no" between 6 and 18 months. Until then, you can still start practicing with the word no.

Before you know it, your toddler will say "no," right back at you. This is also part of the process. Your little one will assert their independence by also saying "no."

What to Say Instead of No to a Child and When to Use This Approach

You can say no without literally using the word “no”. Young children may hear the word "no" dozens of times a day. In my Montessori teacher training, I learned to avoid saying no and instead say the behavior I wanted to see.

How does it work? Instead of saying no or stop, try these substitutions.

• "Don't run!" = "Please walk!"
• "No hitting!" = "Gentle hands."
• "No throwing food!" = "Keep the food on the plate or in your mouth."
  

Then, you can follow through and hold the boundary. For example, if your little one won't walk, you hold their hand, forcing them to walk.

Using this approach can help your child listen in a different way. Sometimes, young children don't understand what the correct behavior is when we say, "Don't do that!" If you say, "Don't run," your child might not immediately think, "Oh, I have to walk." By saying the behavior you want to see explicitly, you can help your baby understand what to do.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever say no. It does mean you may reserve the word for more serious situations when you want your child to respond quickly. For example, if your child is in danger or may hurt someone else.

How to Say “No” Effectively: Practical Tips for Parents

If you struggle to find the strength to say no to your child, I understand. Parents need to make a million decisions every day, and it’s exhausting to hold so many boundaries. Plus, it’s easy to feel guilty about disappointing your little one. One helpful way to frame the issue is to consider which battles are worth fighting.

Some parents make rules based on safety, health, and respect. As long as what your child wants to do isn't dangerous, detrimental to their health, or disrespectful, you can let it fly. Behaviors that go against these three are ones you can say no to.

For example, your child needs to hold your hand while walking near a busy street. The consequence if they don't hold hands is going back home because this is a safety issue. Another example is limiting candy to protect your child's health. Or, you might leave the playground if your child is mean to other children. 

Be Empathetic 

Dr. Kaiser says that parents can also soften the 'no' with empathy and validation. She suggests noticing your child's emotional experience, for example, "I know you're feeling frustrated because you really want the red cup, but unfortunately, we only have the blue cup,", or "I hear you saying that you're having fun and you really want to keep playing, but now it's time for bed."

Additional Tips from Dr. Kaiser

Some other strategies Dr. Kaiser recommends keeping in your parent toolbox include:

• Provide our kids with transitional warnings when possible (e.g, "We're leaving in 5 minutes!")
• Ignore minor misbehavior or dissatisfaction around hearing no (rather than engaging/arguing with it!)
• Give proactive praise (e.g., "I love the way you're going to be able to find something else to do")
• Offer kids choices that are all acceptable to us as parents (e.g., "It's time to get ready for bed, do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?").
• Praise kids for being flexible and following directions when we say no or set limits.
• Pick our battles as parents and look for the places we can say yes. For example, if our kid asks for a popsicle before dinner, instead of saying no, we can say, "Yes, you can have a popsicle after dinner."
  

The Benefits of Saying No to Your Kids

Saying no to your child is not a rejection. Although it may cause disappointment, saying no ultimately builds your child's resilience and prepares them for the real world. Kids who hear “no” become more adaptable, emotionally mature, and respectful. Plus, when you say no, you model to your child how they can set their own boundaries in the future.

Adding the word no to your parenting toolbox can also simplify your own life. As Dr. Kaiser says, "As parents, we also are generally going to be more effective, kind, and skillful in giving nos before we get frustrated or dysregulated ourselves!" So, give yourself a little grace and if you mess up, take a deep breath and move on.

Sources:

1. Dr. Nina Kaiser
2. PLOS One
3. The Globe and Mail
4. Zero to Three
5. First Things First